I have struggled with depression for several years now. Sometimes, I think I am under control and over it. Then my world comes crashing down and the oppression almost becomes too much to bare. Those are the times when I get really scared.
I thought I was doing well. I was keeping up with my classes. My house was relatively clean. I was happy. Then I did something really stupid. I forgot to refill a prescription. I was without my meds for about five days. I didn't think much about it, until i had been off for a few days. I mean, I was really busy. I had some really cool lesson plans worked out, I had a camping trip coming up and things were just going smoothly. But it was really only smooth on the surface.
Underneath that surface was a monster waiting. It waits for the right moment to pounce and strike. It just sits and festers, and grows. Then it erupts.
It seems like everything was going well. I was well prepared for the day. Then one little thing happens, something that is not even worth mentioning, but that little thing was just enough to start my backslide. One small comment was all it took for me to start doubting myself. One small mistake was all it took for me to feel as if I was the stupidest animal on the planet. And then the monster came.
I tried to figure out why this was happening; why was I not able to let go of this? Why could I not stop thinking about it. Then I had a sudden thought: I had not taken my meds for a couple of day. Ok No problem, except I remembered why I hadn't taken them. I had run out. Well, I had missed a few days before, and while I didn't like how I felt, I had always been fine. This time was different.
I don't know what made it different, but it was. Actually that's not completely true. There are several things that made this time different. I just was not able to see them, until today when I faced what I was happening, how close I had come to falling off that cliff and letting the monster take over and win.
As I said, this time was different. First of all, I was trying so hard to make my lessons meaningful to my students, and I was doing great! Until i discovered that they had already read the story I had planned on using, And now I suddenly had to figure out what to do with my classes and redo my entire week. Then I had some other issues that happened that just shocked me. Then I was having problems at home (hubby has been sick and will be having surgery in a few weeks, and I was having migraines and cyst problems. Any one of these issues on it's own probably would have been fine, even without my meds, but to have them all happen at once, along with all of the other usual stresses of being a first year teach and mother of three... well I almost lost it.
I was not ready to admit how much control the monster had been given. I did not want to be that weak, but in truth, I was weak, and the monster was getting much stronger than I wanted to give it credit for.
It really gained strength when the migraines became a steady pain, one that nothing I tried would help. I turned to my prescribed migraine cocktail:800mg of ibuprofen and caffeine during the day, 800 mg Ibuprofen and phenergan at night. The phenergan makes me sleep really well, and with all the other stress, I hadn't been sleeping. I thought about taking them when I just wanted to sleep. Then i thought about how many i have, How many would I have to take to never have the headaches again? To never wake up? How many Ibuprofen can you take and not kill you liver?
As I said, The monster had taken control. I was snapping at everyone. I could hardly function. All i wanted was to have all the pain go away, permanently. Luckily, that was also scary enough to crack through and allow me to see what was really happening. It also helps that I have the meds built back up in my system.
However, this has been one hell of a crappy weekend. I know it's not over. The sinking feeling is still there. I still don't really want to do anything other than close myself in my room. I still feel as if it would be so much easier to just let the monster take over, just give up. i hope this passes soon. I really hate feeling this way.
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