My Life Monday

I am jumping on the wagon...


In Memory of...

With today being Memorial Day, I am remembering a few people, but I am going to tell you about my grandpa, my dad's dad.

My grandpa was a great man. He passed away in 1988 due to cancer. I was 1o at the time. There are a few things I really remember about my grandpa. One was that he was always humming. Always. He hummed while he worked, he hummed when he drove, he hummed all of teh time. It was just a part of grandpa. HIs humming wouldn't be of a song or anything. It was just a tune that he made up as he hummed. Sure he would hum a tune or a song every now and then, but I sure didn't know any of the songs he hummed. To me it was just grandpa.

Grandpa owned his own business. And he was very good at it. He was a mechanic. He passed his love of cars down to his sons and grandsons. When I was really little my dad take me to grandpa's shop so he could get some work done. It was the best time. I would sit in his office and draw, or play with Joey, the guard dog, or with the cat that was usually there to help control the mice. Another thing we would do is go and play in the river that ran behind his shop. We would spend hours playing down there in the summer. That shop was, and still is one of my favorite places. My dad owned it, and I grew up there.

Grandpa held our family together. He loved his children and grandchildren and always made a special effort to see them. Before Granpa died, we (my extended family) would egt together at least once a month for birthdays. In the summer it was more often. We would go camping: Easter at Lincoln Beach, Memorial Day at Provo Boat Harbor, Mother's day... I can't remember, Father's Day, the KOA in Nephi canyon (no longer a KOA), The Deer Hunt in Diamond Fork Canyon. He was also the instigator in a few of the family gatherings that still continue to this day: July 24th (grandma's birthday is the 23rd and the carnival is always in town), Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas. These are still traditions today. He loved having his family around.

When Grandpa was diagnosed with Leukemia, I didn't understand what was hapeneing. All of a sudden we became very familiar with UVRMC. Grandpa always had to have the big room at the end of the hall due to all of the family that visited. And we did. All of the time. Even then he would hum. He never did lose his spirits.

It has been a long 18 years since he passed, and I still miss him. I still remember going for car rides sitting between grandma and grandpa on the armrest so I can see and listening to Grandpa talk about how the brown cows made chocolate milk. Or Going to grandma's house for lunch, a grilled cheese sandwich, when I would spend the day "working" with him. I loved that he took the time to do that with all of his grandkids. And to this day, every one of the grandkids, with exception to the ones who were born after he passed of course, can remember at least one time grandpa came and did something with just them.

So to grandpa: I love you. I miss you. And I look forward to eating a grilled cheese sandwich with you again.

ITP

Ever heard of it? No? Neither had I, until Tues that is. My mom was diagnosed with this. The long name for it is: immune (idiopathic) thrombocytopenic purpura. Basically it's a problem with the immune system where the body produces antibodies against the platelets, which then are destroyed in the spleen. This results in a low platelet count. Since platelets are what help the blood to clot, people with ITP bleed very easily. They bruise as well. When I say bruise, I am not talking your typical bruise. My mom looks as if she survived a horrible car accident. She is covered in big, black bruises. They came for things that you take for granted: kneeling to plant a flower, Sitting on the ground, or on a hard chair, leaning against a counter. Things that we all do normally and don't receive bruises.

I have spent the last day and a half looking up information about this disorder. Everything I found scared the crap out of me! I can think of no other way to describe it. There are scary things out there about this. Bleeding to death from a moderate cut, something that wouldn't even normally need stitches, is one thing that scares me.

I had never heard of this before. I don't know much about it. Even after going to the Hematologist and reading several websites, I still don't know much. I just know it is a scary thing, or it can be.

Tues, when my mom was given a tentative diagnosis of ITP, her platelet count was at 9000. The normal range is between 134,000 - 350,000. Hers were very low. Wed they dropped to 2000. I had to take her to the specialist for an emergency appointment and an injectable medication. She can't drive anywhere. She can't climb on a ladder. At work, they took away her box cutter. She can't lift. If she falls, gets hit in the head, or gets cut, she has to call 911 because she will bleed to death. If she notices blood in her stool, she has to call 911. If she coughs up blood, or throws up blood, or if she has a bloody nose, she is supposed to call 911.

They are trying to bring her platelet count up. She goes back to the Hematologist on Friday for another platelet count. If they have started to climb, they will take a bone marrow sample to make sure this isn't cancer. They weren't able to eliminate that because her counts were to low. If they had tried yesterday, it would have resulted in bleeding, which would have caused a very large bruise. Since she has so many bruises already, they didn't want to cause anymore. If her count has not gone up, she will have to have another injection.

Mom is most worried about how she is going to pay for this. Right now she is so bad that she had to take the rest of the week off. If her counts aren't up on Friday, she won't be able to work until they are. If she doesn't work, she can't pay for treatment, and she needs the treatments to live. It would help if she were receiving the alimony she is supposed to, but she isn't and she can't count on it.

So that is what has happened the past couple of days here. I am scared I am going to lose my mom. I am scared she is going to hurt. I am scared she isn't going to be able to pay for the needed treatments, Dr. visits, lab work, etc. I am scared that I can't help her. I am frustrated that there is nothing I can do. I am angry that my mom can't seem to get a break. I am just scared. That is all there is to it. I am scared. (sorry about what it looked like before. It was nice and neat when I first posted. I had to get back on and fix it.)

Summer: the end of my peace, and other woes

The end of the school year, Kids look forward to it, and sometimes, parent dread it. I am a mixture. I am glad that it's over so I don't hvae to worry about what time i need to pick up kids, and yet I dread it because I now have to deal with three children who love to fight and be loud. I know that's a normal part of childhood, but I just have to say I now understand why my mother was so excited when we went back to school.

Becka graduated preschool. Sort of. I mean, she got a graduation certifiacte, but she goes back next year (if I can find her a preschool, her teacher is moving). Miss Judy was so great! she had She even made scrapbooks for all of the kids of the fun things they had done throughout the year. So cute! ( sorry no pics, I just don't have the energy to scan, then upload) She sent them home with a bag of goodies. She sent goodie bags home for every holliday. Haloween, Thanksgiving (along with the Thanksgiving dinner she made for them at 9:00am), Christmas, Valentines Day, Easter, and the last day of school. She was just amazing.

Becka is going to miss preschool. Everyday she would ask of she had school that day. Now she is going to ask me that every day and I am going to have to tell her No, and listen to the crying that always follows that, along with the "but I want to go to school today!" Yep Summer

Cassidy's last day is Friday. I have very mixed feelings. I will be glad that she will be around to help, yet she really is a drama queen (she gets it from me, I admit). I am also leary because this will be her last year at this school. I have enroled her in a charter school for next year. So she will not be able to walk to and from school. I will also have to send her a lunch every day. Sending lunch money was so much easier. lol. But, she was such a smart kid, and I am not just saying that because I am her mom. She really is smart. She is way ahead of her grade in everything. Her teacher pulled me aside several times and said that she was just too smart. BUT the school wouldn't give her anything to challenge her with. They made her do the same as every other student. And she was BORED! I had several meetings with the teacher about it. She always said she would have harder things for her to do, but never did. She just had Cassidy correct the other student's work and record their grades, or have her do "fast finishers" or as Cassidy says, "punishment work becuase I get done first." I even met with the principal, and nothing changed. So I changed it. I didn't want her in a school where She was brushed to the side because she didn't need help. I didn't want to have another teacher say to me "well I don't get around to her as much because I know she can do it and I really need to help the kids who are behind catch up." Yep that is what her teacher said to me. I understand she needs to help the kids who are behind. Really I do. But, I don't want my child ignored just because she is ahead. Cassidy needed help too. She needed something to challenge her and keep her interested in learning. Her school just wasn't doing that. I mean You know it's not working when your 3rd grader comes home crying because she is so bored and she has nothing to do. That happened ever day here. Hopefully not next year.

Also, for clarification. Cassidy's teacher was wonderful in most areas, but Cassidy just needed more. I really don't blame the teacher as much as the system. I mean with 30 kids in one class and no real help other than a parent who comes in once in a while to read, I can understand why she spent so much time with the kids who needed more help. I know I will be faced with this situation when I start teaching as well. I only hope I will remember this and remember to work with my advanced students as well as the other end of the spectrum.

So back to summer. We have a few things planned here. There is a Family reunion in June, usually it is near Bryce Canyon. This year it is in Midway. We have a wedding in Idaho to go to in July (GNO in IF girls? Anyone even there?). We had planned to go to Yellowstone following the wedding, but Hubby and I both felt that we aren't supposed to. Wish I knew why, Oh well. I figure if the spirit is speaking loud enough to BOTH of us about not going, there must be a reason right? And a couple of camping trips in July and August (have I mentioned I love my trailer!). Throw in The volunteering I am doing for Cassidy's new school to get it up and running, Church, and I go back to school at the end of June, and you have one crazy summer. But aren't they all? Anyway, Lots of stuff going on this summer. So I should have quite a bit to write about.

So enjoy your summer. We Will be here. And then when school starts again, We can all let our breath out and be greatful it is over!

50 things continues...

50 things continues…

26. My best friend
27. Hubby’s Best friend
28. I like Hubby’s best friend
29. Hubby likes My best friend
30. The internet
31. Summer vacation
32. The end of summer vacation ;)
33. My brother’s and BILs as well
34. My SILs, especially since I don’t have a sister.
35. GNO’s
36. The Priesthood
37. Email
38. Pepsi (yes I am an addict)
39. My nice-sized yard
40. My camera
41. Hubby’s job that enables me to stay home
42. Books, all sorts
43. The freedom we have in this country
44. Scrapbooking
45. My Visiting Teacher, she is the best.
46. Living in a smallish town
47. Cassidy being old enough to watch the other two so I can run to the store without an entourage.
48. XBOX
49. Date Night (once a week), even if it is just driving to the park until the kids are in bed and then watching a movie at home, or even just sitting outside talking...
50. And lastly, being able to share these things on my blog. That people actually read and respond.

50 things

Since my last two posts have been negative, I decided to take the next two and talk about the things I am grateful for. I was going to do 100, but I only have two days until I leave for camping. So here they are:

1. My husband
2. My children.
3. The gospel
4. My home, messy as it is
5. My van.
6. That my van is paid for.
7. In fact, ALL of our cars are paid for.
8. I am in school
9.0My husband supports me while I am in school
10. I have great IL’s
11. Chocolate
12. I have some food storage
13. Our trailer
14. The Scriptures
15. The Temple (my favorite is the Salt Lake)
16. My mom
17. My dad
18. My parents actually being able to carry on a conversation without arguing
19. My computer (yes mine! all mine!)
20. My family’s understanding that the computer is mine
21. The beautiful weather we have been having
22. PPD medication
23. The board
24. My neighbors
25. Family time


More tomorrow or the next day.

Having a bad day...

Or two or three. I have been very down lately. I guess I am just using my Blog today to vent and see if I can feel better.

I had a really horrid weekend. And it shouldn't have been. I mean it wasn't like there was a reason for me to feel this way, I just did. I have just been very down. I haven't been able to concentrate on anything, my kids, my house, my hubby. Nothing. I have just wanted to cry and run away.

These feelings scare me since i know how close I came to ending my life because of feelings like that. Feeling that my family would be better without me or that I just wanted to get away from everyone and start my life over again...and NOT as a good Mormon girl. Don't worry. I am not feeling that bad and I don't want to really run away, but...

Anyway, as if these negative feelings weren't bad enough, things just keep going wrong. A list of the things that have happened recently:

I found out I didn't get the scholarship I was really hoping for. Turns out the State Senate denied the funding to my school, so I am now frantically trying to find a way to pay for school. I need to finish. I don't know why, but I know I have to. I don't want to, because I look at how much it is costing us, financially and the stress factor as well, and I can just see so many other things I need to be doing. But the fact remains that I have never felt more strongly about my need to finish school. I just don't know how we will be able to pay for it.

We lost our cat. I have looked everywhere and I can't find her. Animal Control hasn't picked her up, she didn't show up in the County Animal Shelter. None of my neighbors have seen her. I am just upset about it.

My washing machine had the nervous breakdown that i wanted to have. It just decided it had enough. I had an inch of water all over my laundry room/mud room/pantry as well as into my kitchen. So not only did I have a soaking wet blanket. I also used every towel in my house. I took care of all of that and got the machine running again.

After those things and just this horrible feeling of self-loathing, I decided I needed to do something to make myself feel better about myself. So I decided to change my hair color. I wanted to be blonde again. So I went and bought a kit to dye my hair. I put the dye on my hair and went to take the laundry out of the dryer and start folding it while I waited. Well my hands were full and some hair fell into my eyes, so I did the whole flip you head back thing so I could flip the hair out of my face. Well it worked...or it would have if the cupboard door hadn't been open. I smacked my head on the corner of the door so hard I about passed out. I just stood there for a minute trying very hard not to swear. Then I touched my scalp to see if I was bleeding. If I wasn't I was going to leave the dye on, and if I was, well I figure hair dye and an open wound wouldn’t go together very well. I didn't see any blood, so I finished taking the clothes out of the dryer. Then the hair fell into my face again; only this time there was a nice bright red streak. Yep I was bleeding. Heavily. So I went and rinsed the dye out. After having it on for only 5 minutes. Yeah, it didn't do a lot except make me mad that I had just wasted that much money (of course I had to be using the most expensive kit in the store too). So after that I just gave up. I just sat and cried.

Mother's day. It would have been really good if I hadn't felt so icky. My head hurt, I had a huge headache, and I was very queasy. So I didn't even get to go to church. But at least Hubby remembered to get me something. He bought me a dozen roses. And they are so pretty. He has only given me a dozen roses once before and that was when we were dating. He got me the same type of roses now as he did then. There was also a very sweet card.

Today I still have a headache. I am still dizzy. I am still very queasy. Yeah i think I have a concussion, but what can I do about it. Not much except rest. But I have two very active little girls who just don't know how to be quiet and I am finding myself ready to loose it with them. I have had myself looked in my bedroom and left them watching movies. Hopefully I will be able to feel better soon, because with all of these feelings, well I am just not doing very well.
I am sorry I am such a downer today. My next post will be better. But right now, I am going to find some drugs, take them, make lunch, and then have naptime. Hopefully after naptime I will feel better.

I'm in a sad mood today.

See, we have lost out cat, Houdini, or Dini as we call her. We would really like her back too. She is the sweetest thing. Let me tell you about her.

First here is a pic:


Isn't she pretty? Anyway, When we first get her I was a bit irritated. You see Hubby brought her home without talking to me. He just comes home with this cat. I was not too pleased. I mean, I knew I would be the one responsible and I just wasn't feeling up to it. I was pregnant with Sarah at the time and sicker than ever. There was no way I could stand the smell of her food. But he convinced me to keep her, and she really wasn't as hard to take care of as the other cat we had, and since it died, Hubby had wanted another cat. So I agreed to keep her.

We had been told she was spayed. So we let her be an indoor/outdoor kitty. She could come in the house, but most of the time, she liked to sit outside in the windowsill. Well we found out she wasn't spayed. She had 4 kittens that we found homes for. we got her spayed right after that.

I worried when we put in our new doors that she would run away since she wouldn't have the pet door anymore. But she didn't. She would, however, meow and walk with us until we went to the door. Then she would scratch at the door like the puppy I had before I got married. That was how she let us know she wanted out. To come in she would just stand outside the door and meow to come in.

She is the most patient cat I have ever seen. Sarah loves to carry her around and hold her. Of course, Dini is almost as big as Sarah is, so it was really interesting to watch. Sarah would pick her up by wrapping her arms around Dini's middle and pick her up. Dini'd back paws are still on the floor, and her front paws are about two inches above the floor. But she doesn't do a thing except look at us as if she saying, "please help me." She doesn't his, she doesn't scratch. She doesn't even try to run away. She will get up and move when Sarah comes around, but not far. Just far enough to make Sarah come further to get her, and then she’d sit down and wait for Sarah to come closer. After moving around a few times, Dini finally lets Sarah pick her up and carry her around for a bit.

We haven't seen her since Saturday morning. I called Animal control on Tuesday to see if they had picked her up, but the hadn't. We have been combing our neighborhood looking for her. I keep walking out to the trailer and opening the door to see if she somehow got stuck inside. Hubby keeps looking in all the cars to see if she got in one of them. But we can't find her. Today I will be going to the county animal shelter to see if someone turned her in there. (Our town's animal control just barely started a few months ago. I don't even know where the shelter here in town is.)I am hoping I find her. But I am beginning to think I won’t. It just makes me sad.

Anyway, I just had to whine. I miss my Dini!

The kidnapping...du du dunnnn

So I promised to write about kidnapping my Hubby from work. Here it is.

Background: I have been going to school at night for the past year. During that time Hubby has been wonderful with everything (mostly) . He took care of the kids, made dinner, cleaned the house, and listened to me vent when I was frustrated. He made sure I had time to do my reading without kids jumping on me. He was also so supportive. He was the one who talked me into going back. He knew how badly I wanted to finish my degree and he pushed me to do it. Even when he lost his job and we had no idea how we were going to pay for it, he still wouldn't let me quit.

During all this year, we haven't spent as much time together as we usually do. I love to travel and take mini-vacations. We usually do those long weekend type things 5-6 times a year, usually with friends, but at least 2 of them are just us. We didn't get to do those this last year with my being in school. We went away over night once for our anniversary and went to Vegas with our friends in March. Other than that, we have stayed home.

So, since I missed my Hubby so much, and Finals were over with, I conspired with my mother to kidnap him. It took me three weeks to plan it. First I had to wait for my mom to have the right days off, and then I had to make sure I had some money stuck away to pay for it. But it finally worked out last week. Here is what I did.

We are strange. Our date night is typically on Wed or Thurs. I knew that in order for this to work I would have to do it on one of those nights. I found a hotel that was very close to his work (as in three blocks away) that had whirlpool suites. So I reserved one of those. Hubby get's off work at 5:00pm (ish). So I drove up (he works about 50 miles away) around 2:00 to get things ready. (Yeah it didn't take that long, but I needed some me time as well. lol.) I called him about 3:30 to see how work was, when he was leaving, what we were doing for our date night, that sort of thing. He told me he planned on leaving in about an hour. I asked why? he said he was just done early. I said ok, please call me when you are leaving. See you later. Love you. Bye.

At 4:30 I drove to his work, just to see how long it would take. I couldn't find his car! It wasn't there! I was freaked out thinking he had already left and I had missed him. So I called. Asked him where he usually parked. Hi didn't have a clue and asked why, I just said I was just wondering. He then told me and then said "but I couldn't park there today because all the good spots were taken, so I parked on Parkway." I said ok. I asked him again when he was leaving work. He said he couldn't get off until 5 or shortly after. Something had come up. I must have sounded strange because he asked why. Then I told him (I am weak): I'm kidnapping you. I'll be outside at 5:00. He said are you hear now? i wouldn't say if I was or not. Then he tells me he is driving out the gate, so I leave quickly, hiding in a Wal-Mart parking lot.

I went inside Wal-Mart to get a few things I forgot, drove back to the hotel, finished getting ready (setting candles around and such). At 5:00 I drove back to his work and watched for him. When he came out He kept asking what I was doing. I just kept saying I had a surprise for him. We went to dinner at T.G.I.Fridays (his favorite place), then walked around the mall. Finally After his repeated asking, I told him "we are not going home tonight." I told him where to go. He dropped me off at the hotel, and went to get things out of his car. While he was gone, I filled the hot tub, lit all the candles, and undressed. He walked into the room and just started to laugh. He was so surprised! YEAH for me!!

Let's just say it was a very good night. He LOVED it. I loved it. We needed it. It was perfect. The kidnapping was a success! If you ever have the chance to do this I highly recommend it. Now if I could get him to surprise me like this...

My "Ah Ha" moment

I sit
Silent in my
confusion
Afraid to ask
yet wanting,
yearning...

Then, wait...
is that...
am I...
No, it's gone.

I sit
But maybe
sometime,
I might
find one
glimmer...

Yes!
Understanding!
My "Ah Ha" moment,
My lightbulb.

I get it.

I wrote that during my 'killer" class. You know the type. No matter how hard you work, you just don't get it. You try and try to find even one thing that you understand, then you start to feel something but it's just out of reach. And then you get it! or maybe not all of it, but enough to feel like paying the $500 for a 3 credit class wasn't completely foolish.

My grades for this semester were available Thursday. Well I was super busy that day planning to kidnap my husband from work (sorry I didn't write about it, but on the off chance he might have read my blog, I didn't dare. I wanted to surprise him, and it worked. I'll write about it in a bit) that I forgot to look. So I looked when I got home Friday. I was going to blog then, but ended up helping my MIL. And yesterday, well same thing. So here it is Sunday and I finally have a minute to blog...

Where was I? Oh yes, grades. See it's true, once finals are over your brain takes a vacation, well what's left of it after having 3 kids anyway. lol. So grades, yes. Well in my easy class (even though we had to read 20+ books) I got an A. I wasn't surprized about that at all. I knew that was coming, but in my other class, you know the killer one. The one I had to write my monster paper (Ok I know it wasn't THAT bad. I mean I know I will have to write more, but give me a break, it was MY first big paper in the past 6 years since that's how long I had been out of school. lol), the class where I had never, ever gotten above a B, and then I only had one B and that was on the paper I wrote the night before I was do and I didn't like it, the rest of the time I was getting B-'s. yeah anyway I got
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
an A-!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YES! I figure if I can do that good in that class I should be able to do great for the rest of the time I am in school. I am just jumping for joy. I guess I finally had my "Ah Ha" moment with my final paper!

so anyway, that is my sharing. Have a fantastic Sunday, and I promise I will have another post very soon. At least by Tues.

Weird things

So I have been Tagged. You get to hear all about my weird traits, And I was so hoping to stay normal for a while longer. Oh well. Here we go:

1. I have very small toes. Seriously. I am missing a joint in each and every toe, so they are very short. My Hubby and friend call me Nugget Toes. Very odd.


2. Another toe fact: I can’t stand having long toenails. I am a bit OCD about it. IF I can scratch myself with them, they are too long. I cut them all the time. But I almost always have them painted. I love painting my toenails, but I don’t like long nails at all.


3. I Hate milk. Hate it. I can’t drink it at all. I eat it on my cereal and that’s it. I can cook with it and everything else but I can’t drink it. And I can’t even tolerate it on my cereal if it is beyond the “sell by” date. I think this stemmed from pregnancy when I was so sick that I was throwing up all the time. And let me tell you throwing up milk products are the worst! So now I can never drink milk.


4. Along with hating milk, I can’t stand the smell of it. Even when it’s not spoiled (don’t get me started on spoiled milk. Yuck! I have thrown away so many cups because of milk left in them too long.) I just can’t stand the smell at all.


5. Another thing I can’t stand is tuna fish. I have never tried it. I am sure it tastes good, but I just can’t get past the smell. Yeah I have a thing with smells. I also have a very strong gag reflex. I gag very easily. Hubby didn’t believe me until I was pg and he left some a bowl that he had mixed tuna in for sandwiches in the sink and I came in and promptly threw up. Yeah, not fun.


6. Ok so almost all of mine have to do with food. I don’t eat salads. Of any kind. I don’t know why, I just can’t make myself do it. I think they look good, and I want to like them, I just don’t. And that is ANY kind. Green, Seafood, Chicken, Fruit, Jello. Just can’t do it. I have been able to make a fruit salad that I can eat, but it’s just some fruit cut up and mixed together. Nothing on it. No seasonings, no dressing (another thing I can’t eat. Ranch especially). Just plain fruit. Lol
   
   SO that is me, in all my weird glory. Who’s Next? If you haven’t been tagged you are now.