Just blah blah blah...

I am supposed to be writing a paper, but I have written so many papers in the last few days that my brain is not functioning. So what do I do? Well I come here to do some other writing. See my blog (which I have not been very faithful with since my Broth-in-law died, sorry) is more like fun writing. While homework is, well work. But I will briefly tell you what I have written so you can see why I am procrastinating (But i will have to get back very soon since it is due tomorrow.) Anyway, I have written a twenty-six (yep 26) page Teacher Work Sample for one class, A twentyish page unit plan for that same class. I wrote a 10 page paper and a 5 page paper for another class, another unit plan (this one was about 18 pages) and 4 page paper for another class. So in two weeks that's what...somewhere in the neighborhood of 80 pages? and that is only for three of my classes! I actually didn't count the writing for my other two classes.

So here I am blabbing on to the wide Internet world, where probably nobody will read it anyway. lol

But see I do have something to say, kind of.

See I have been really struggling lately. With Blake's death and the mess surrounding that, I have been wondering if I am doing what I should be. I mean I always thought that i am supposed to finish school, and I still feel that way. However, I am feeling more and more as if there is something else that is in store for me. I am also feeling as if I what I am doing is causing pain for a few of my family. I just felt as if... Well I don't know, like I wasn't doing anything good.

Well the other day I stopped to visit my grandma, and she told me how proud she was of me. That I was doing something very hard and she admired me for it. She went on to say what an example I was for the rest of the family, not only my own, but my cousins, aunts, and uncles well. I just kind of shrugged it off, I mean so what right? grandma's are supposed to say things like that. But then...

My dad called me. Which he does every so often. And he told me he was proud of me and how it neat it is that i am finishing school. again, he's my dad so he should say stuff like that. Then...

(are you seeing a pattern?) My mom tells me that she is really proud of me but again she is supposed to say that right.

Then my Mother-in-law is talking to me and tells me how great she thinks it is. And Then one of my good friends says the same thing ad adds how she is jealous of me going back!

So I realize, maybe I am supposed to be here. I mean, I know it's hard. I know life happens. I know that I may be a horrible witch to my family when I have to write 100 or so pages in a matter of weeks, but I am doing something good! And Heavenly Father knew I needed to hear people tell me that.

So there is my blah blah blah post to remind me why I am doing what I do. Now it's back to the homework! Hopefully i won't neglect you for so long after this week when finals are over. TTFN!

FYI

When you plan a camping trip and know you will be driving a very scary road (highway 6 in Utah), do NOT count on your hubby to put the new registration sticker on the trailer. I spent the entire drive worrying about getting pulled over. the worst part was this was my first time driving the van and pulling our trailer (Hubby was driving the IL's truck pulling their 5th wheel) and I was scared to death I was going to have to pull off the road and then try to get back on with the trailer. Not to mention the three kinds under 5 I had with me. Other than that, it was fun! I have misplaced my camera, so I didn't get any pictures, but i took some with MIL's camera. So I might be able to get some pictures on here. Not holding my breath though. lol.

Ups and Downs: today is down.

Yeah, sorry, I am having a very hard day. It's only 9:00am and I am just not doing well. Loosing Blake really threw me. Nothing is normal, and everything is hard. I know what he would want us to do, but it's just too hard. I know it will take time, but right now it's just so hard.

I have fallen so far behind in my classes that I wonder if I will even be able to pass them. Nothing seems to be going right. I am so overwhelmed with emotion.

This past weekend we went camping to try and get away from this whole thing. It probably would have worked great, but we ran into an old family friend, someone who was raised with Blake and was one of his really close friends. He didn't know about Blake and asked about him. It was very awkward for a few minutes. I mean what do you say when someone who doesn't know asks how he is? Because HE is fine, it's the rest of us who are suffering. It was nice to hear some good memories, but it did bring the loss to the front of my mind.

I also realized today that Easter is less than a week away. The Easter Bunny at my house has not even began to do anything for it. It's just like Easter can't happen this year. Not without Blake. And yet, How can we not celebrate it when it is so much a part of who he was? So what do we do? And who is going to make up the Treasure hunt for all of the kids this year? And who is going to play the Easter bunny and hid the eggs over the 10 acres? and who is going to take the little kids by the hand and walk around "helping" them find the eggs?

Add to that, Easter also means that Becka's birthday and Creg's birthday are coming up. We have always celebrated them together because they are so close in age. Blake and I always loved planning that party together. And the kids looked forward to it. I just don't know what we will be doing now.

I think that grief has to hit us in stages. If it were to hit us all at once, we would not be able to handle it. And today, unfortunately, it has hit me. But right now, I just don't have the time to grieve. I only have three weeks left of school and I have several HUGE projects left to do. I just do not know how I am going to get it all done when I am feeling like this.

So anyway, if anyone has any ideas about how I can make it through the next few weeks without losing it, feel free to let me know. And some prayers would probably be appreciated as well.