Ups and Downs: today is down.

Yeah, sorry, I am having a very hard day. It's only 9:00am and I am just not doing well. Loosing Blake really threw me. Nothing is normal, and everything is hard. I know what he would want us to do, but it's just too hard. I know it will take time, but right now it's just so hard.

I have fallen so far behind in my classes that I wonder if I will even be able to pass them. Nothing seems to be going right. I am so overwhelmed with emotion.

This past weekend we went camping to try and get away from this whole thing. It probably would have worked great, but we ran into an old family friend, someone who was raised with Blake and was one of his really close friends. He didn't know about Blake and asked about him. It was very awkward for a few minutes. I mean what do you say when someone who doesn't know asks how he is? Because HE is fine, it's the rest of us who are suffering. It was nice to hear some good memories, but it did bring the loss to the front of my mind.

I also realized today that Easter is less than a week away. The Easter Bunny at my house has not even began to do anything for it. It's just like Easter can't happen this year. Not without Blake. And yet, How can we not celebrate it when it is so much a part of who he was? So what do we do? And who is going to make up the Treasure hunt for all of the kids this year? And who is going to play the Easter bunny and hid the eggs over the 10 acres? and who is going to take the little kids by the hand and walk around "helping" them find the eggs?

Add to that, Easter also means that Becka's birthday and Creg's birthday are coming up. We have always celebrated them together because they are so close in age. Blake and I always loved planning that party together. And the kids looked forward to it. I just don't know what we will be doing now.

I think that grief has to hit us in stages. If it were to hit us all at once, we would not be able to handle it. And today, unfortunately, it has hit me. But right now, I just don't have the time to grieve. I only have three weeks left of school and I have several HUGE projects left to do. I just do not know how I am going to get it all done when I am feeling like this.

So anyway, if anyone has any ideas about how I can make it through the next few weeks without losing it, feel free to let me know. And some prayers would probably be appreciated as well.