It's been a while...

Years.

I am not revitalizing this blog for anyone. I just needed a safe place to write. Since this blog is pretty much private, with like no followers, this is about as safe as I can get. And if I get to the point of wanting to share it, I can. But for now, it's for me.

As an update: I taught for six years. After a serious bout of depression, where I seriously considered killing myself, as well as some health issues, I made the gut wrenching decision to quit working for a while. I love teaching. It's like breathing to me. It was something I loved, and I felt like I made a difference.

So why quit?

I lost myself. I lost my self-esteem. You can't be a good, effective teacher if you don't believe you are a good effective teacher. As said, I was suffering from severe, almost debilitating depression. I would get up, go to work, come home, and go to bed. I was exhausted all the time. I couldn't concentrate. I had a very short temper. All of those, but the worst was, I just stopped caring. I didn't care what happened at work; I didn't care what happened at home; I just didn't care about anything. You can't teach when you don't care, at least not effectively. So I quit.

I still don't know if it was the right choice for me, but I knew something had to change.

Once I quit, a few medical things popped up which made it so I couldn't have worked even if I wasted to, which did not help the depression. I was so severely deficient in several vital minerals and vitamins, so much so the Dr was impressed that I had been able to get out of bed at all, which explained a lot. I am still now able to do much, but I am doing the best I can. I am still getting into the classroom once in a while by subbing. It's not the same, but at least I am doing something, and we need the money (Ryan lost his job in August. He's working again, but not making what he was, plus no insurance).

The main reason for my writing now is the reason these next few months are the worst months for me. On December 10th, 2010, we found out my mom had cancer. And it was bad. And she would never go home again. The following two months were hell. Mom was moved into a care center close to my house where she struggled to breathe every day until she finally passed on February 2nd, 2011.

Over the next while, I am planning to try and write a bit each day, kind of as a form of therapy. I am not going to self-edit. I may not even worry about spelling. I am just going to try and express my feelings and emotions. Maybe it will help. Maybe it won't, but It's something to do.