My first year of teaching, school did not let out for Christmas break until end of classes today. December 23rd. All day my students would walk into the room and say "Merry Christmas Adam! Get it? Because Adam came before Eve." and then they would laugh and I did too... at least the first few times I heard it.
After my parents divorced, my mom would have a Christmas party at her place on the 23rd. It was a time for her to get to have all of her kids around. She loved it! We would usually have pizza, open gifts, and watch some cheesy Christmas movie. There was a lot of food, music, love, and laughter.
The day I had to work on the 23rd, Christmas Adam, I was so bummed. My kids were home. I had to be at my mom's at 4:30, but wouldn't get home from work until 4, and I still had to make whatever it was I was supposed to bring that day. I was so stressed! Now I would give anything to have that stress, anything to have my mom back.
This day was one I used to look forward to. It was the first of my family parties. Now it's a hard day.
4 years ago today, my mom was released from the hospital and moved to a rehab center where she would live out the last of her too short life under Hospice care. There were a few options of facilities. One was the choice the hospital's hospice company encouraged me to go to, which was an older medical facility in Provo, 20 minutes away from me. They tried to tell me that was the only facility that could see to her needs; the only medical facility that could supply the oxygen mom needed and had a registered nurse on staff 24hrs a day. Mom didn't want to go to that facility. She really wanted to go to a facility here in Payson where she could be close to family. Plus we knew the care center facility in Payson was brand new, and really nice. I needed more info, so I called a few other hospice companies. Hospice 4 Utah was fantastic. Before I had even made the choice of which company to use, they called me back and gave me so much useful information! They said the facility here in Payson also had a registered nurse on staff 24hrs a day, and they could also arrange to have the necessary oxygen available as well. They said that even if we didn't hire them, we deserved to have this information. I hired them.
Mom was transported by ambulance. It should have been easy and simple to transfer her. However, so much went wrong. The oxygen tanks in the ambulance kept failing, leaving mom gasping for air. She was also, understandably very distraught. Then when she arrived at the facility, several hours later than expected, the oxygen machines had not been delivered.
I felt so bad. Mom was gasping for air, yelling for help as the tanks from the ambulance kept cutting out, slowly suffocating. The ambulance driver kept saying what a mistake it was to bring her to this place; how we should have went to the other facility. They kept saying she was going to code, that she wasn't going to make it. How I had made a huge mistake. I was devastated. My mom was going to die,here, now, and it was my fault.
Mom didn't die then. Hospice took over. They made arrangements for mom to be transported to the hospital next door. She would be stabilized and moved back to the care center the next day.
Even though mom didn't die then, seeing her struggle and panic, gasping for air is something I will never be able to get out of my mind. I will always feel guilty about seeing her suffer, knowing it was my decision that caused it. It was the worst day I had ever been through. I couldn't even stay at the hospital until she was settled. I couldn't see her like that. I came home and sobbed until I went to sleep.
Christmas Adam, December 23rd, once a happy day that kicked off a string of celebrations is no longer a great day for me. It is now one of the hardest days of the year. Someday I hope to know that none of what happened that day was my fault. I mean, I logically know it, but I hoe to someday be able to forgive myself for my mom's suffering.
Someday. I hope, Christmas Adam can be a fun day for me again.
No comments:
Post a Comment